I want to stop being sad. I want to feel the way I did before June 12th.
My whole world changed that day, and I don’t know if I’m just more sensitive to tradgedy now, or if a lot of bad things really have happened to me since Kelly Jo died. I’ve been going to “therapy”, but I still feel defeated. I told my boyfriend the other day that it feels like I keep getting punched in the stomach and before I have time to catch my breath, I get punched again…and sometimes harder.
When Granny died I was devestated. I still get sad from time to time, not about Granny, but thinking about Grandjohn. They were married 74 years, she was 92 and he is 95. That means, the majority of their lives were spent together. Now he is living in that house all by himself and has to do everything without her. She was the light of his life, and they still showed affection, even in their nineties. I’m ok about Granny’s death…when I’m sad, I think about happy times with her, and I look at the picture beside my bed. She was so funny and strong and stubborn…I love my Granny.
It’s like whenever you get behind in a class at school…and you say, “Oh, I’ll catch up this weekend” but when the weekend comes you realize that there is an overwhelming amount of work you have to do, and since you got behind, everything is snowballing into a bigger mess you have to clean up. I feel like my sadness is only growing. It shouldn’t be, it should be going away.
all is well, alone i am. in all my life i seem to find me, pouring
my heart out, well now theres nothing left. so why am i so
depressed? theres no heart left to break, no more sad mistakes,
and yet i find myself….broken.
Now, for this last part, I need some help. On Sunday I found out that my aunt has breast cancer. I know this seems like a lot of sad shit poured into one blog…but this is what has happened, its all for real. I don’t know how to deal with the cancer…she is my favorite aunt, she’s the one who is closest to my age, and I have never had to deal with this before. I mean, I know people who have had cancer and who have survived, but not as close to me as Brook. I feel lost, I feel defeated.
If you have ever had to deal with cancer before, can you shed some light for me?
